Havoc

I don’t often admit to this, but there are some perks to being a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, I’m quite a bit poorer, and not very fashion-forward, but the upside is that I get to relatively float through my day, tending to the needs of my household. I love it and hate it, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

One of the fun things that I get to do is participate in a lot of daytime mom-focused activities. At a recent gathering the guest speaker posed a riveting question. She inquired, “Why did you have kids?” I thought, “I love this. Let’s get to the heart of the matter. Let’s stop the mindless mommy-talk, and filler chatter, and get right to it.” I’m sure some people felt uncomfortable, but for me, it made me sit up straighter, and listen more attentively. I started nodding and thinking, “Yeah, I’m with you. Impart some wisdom, get me to think beyond what I’m making for dinner tonight.”

The room was quiet, and then a couple people spoke up:

“I had kids because they make me happy, bring me joy.”

“So they’ll take care of me when I’m older.”

As if on cue, dancing in from stage right, came little Miss Judgmental Susie—the Queen of the all the answers, rolling her eyes, and boastfully snickering and laughing. Thankfully, I managed to keep my mouth shut, but that didn't stop Susie from thinking: “Kids aren’t going to make you happy, and they’re not always going to bring you joy! Crazy! And, have kids so they’ll take care of you when you’re older? Huh?”

Hearing others' motivations was very enlightening. I didn’t necessarily agree, but it did prompt me to ponder my own.

Four days of pondering ensued. I pondered when I carried my screaming two-year-old out of church like a sack of potatoes. I pondered when our household was bathed in sickness. I pondered when Avery woke me up at 3:00 a.m. announcing that she was about to be eaten by an alligator, or when she declared that I was the “meanest mom ever.” I pondered when Avery asked hard questions, and I literally felt like I was watching her mind grow. I pondered while listening to Romey giggle, or watching her dance and twirl. I was stuck. “Why did we have kids?” —living the American dream? The natural next step; what you’re supposed to do?

And then I had it—a lightbulb moment. Maybe it wasn’t my motivation I should be considering, but perhaps I should be wondering what God had in mind for us. What did God desire/intend for Dan and Susan (a.k.a. Avery and Romey's parents), and how did He plan to grow us throughout our parenthood journey? In other words, why did God allow for us to become parents? (And why does He trust us so much?!?)

I didn’t know it at the time, but soon learned that having kids would break me of my own self-sufficiency. Parenting would bring me to the ledge, push me harder, and expect more of me than anyone or anything had ever before. Parenting would be physically more demanding, and more emotionally taxing than I ever expected it would be. It would reek havoc on my life and my relationships. It would, at times, be exasperating. It would wreck me. And, it would lead me to God, on my knees begging for mercy (and help!). (And to think I'm just *warming* up.....)

And there’s my answer: having kids has reinforced my need for God.

I’m watching my girls grow while they un-intentionally help grow me—funny how God works.