Apathy

Yesterday didn't go particularly well. In short, the girls and I aren’t adjusting to our new routine (i.e. schools out). A lack of routine ultimately means that one of us (or all of us) slip into “apathetic, just get through the day” mode. Whenever I'm in apathetic mode I always look back on my day with regret. On apathetic days I’ve lost my patience more, and haven’t spent my time wisely. On apathetic days I wonder why I’m staying home with my girls. On apathetic days I resent Dan. On apathetic days I’m not much fun to be around. I care less, gripe more, smile less, and scowl more.

So, in a giving fashion, I decided to share my apathy with an unsuspecting pedicurist. I sat in the chair and just exhaled. I breathed. I contemplated my day and I felt really, really foolish, and really, really spoiled.

Staying-at-home hasn’t come without sacrifices, and whoa can I just sit on that word for a moment. Finances. Ouch. Career fulfillment. A little ouch. Isolation. You betcha.

When Dan and I decided that I’d stay at home it was pretty much a financial discussion. In short, I wouldn’t make enough to cover our daycare and related expenses. Plus, we just weren’t comfortable with the idea of outsourcing the girls’ care. I tried working for a bit after Avery was born and it was disastrous. I was stretched too thin; dropping the ball at work; dropping the ball at home. So I resigned, and wrote the tell-tale letter, “It is with great regret that..….”

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets. Most often I love being at home. I love knowing my girls. I love floating through our day. I love not missing a moment. I’m too selfish to share these moments with someone else.

And yet, I’m selfish enough to deny myself these moments by slipping into an apathetic, self-pitying mindset…..wow, something to consider.

Some moments from the last few days:

*Ave to Dan (reading her place mat): E-L-E-P-H-A-N-cross!

*Me to Ave: Why are you pressing buttons on the printer?
*Ave to me: I was trying to make some paper.